Bangkok Monday Hash House Harriers
Run Report
Last updated: 8 July, 2009
Run no:- 1371 Date:- 29 June 2009
Location:- Patanakan Soi 32
Hare:- George of the Jungle
Scribe:- Bruised Willy
Waiting For Gadat
As I whizzed down On Nut 17 on the back of a motorbike, the driver and I bantered about various things. Where was I from? How do I like Thai women? How do I like Thai food? Where am I going? This is where we hit a hitch. While I had clear directions to turn right at the second intersection, my driver declared "Mai mii condo!" They only had apartments, he persisted. I tried in my "elegant" Thai to explain that in English they're pretty similar concepts and it didn't matter much and that I wanted to go to Patanakan Soi 32, but he was sure that I wanted to go to a Condo, so we lurched back and to the left, back and to the left and roared off in the wrong direction without so much as a peep from me. If there's one thing I've learned it's that you don't argue with a taxi or motorcycle driver who has his mind set on where you want to go. About a kilometer down the road as we passed the burned out cars and dead-eyed homeless people eyeing us greedily, I started waving around the English instructions I had written down and blabbering something about "U Turn." To my amazement, the driver, who appeared to speak no English, whipped the directions out of my hand and began mumbling them in English. Eventually he said "AAAhhhhhh okay na krab. Bai Patanakan 32 ummm." At this point we turned around and proceeded back to exactly where I wanted to go in the first place.
Arriving at the run site, I thanked my driver and paid him extra for his hard work driving me all around the area against my will. Chok dii! Standing around were the usual assembly of aging retards, lepers and sex tourists, absent anyone in any position of BMH3 authority, of course. After exchanging pleasantries with various hashers who I hadn't seen in my two month hiatus, I went to pay my run fee and stowed my belongings in Tickler's Chevron-supplied oppression-mobile. Soon after it was noted that Bog was not yet in attendance and neither were, of course, any of the Joint Masters. It seems at this point worth mentioning that the only position more worthless than that of Vice President in the US is that of Joint Master on the Bangkok hashes. The appointment is always someone who never shows up and the result is that the OnSec ends up playing Joint Master at about 20% of all runs. Still, the duty falling to your OnSec, I gathered the crowd together with my Bog impression and declared that, yeah, okay, go that way anyway! I said so!
The rain began to sprinkle as we ran off into the post-apocalyptic housing development, a remnant of the Tom Yum Koong Crisis of 1997 no doubt. Past broken chunks of concrete and unfinished roads we went until we stumbled onto the first check.
"I wonder if it goes off to the right here." asked Tickler "There's some good green over there." So, of course, the trail went to the left on the concrete, setting a precedent for the run. We continued around the decaying lots, following paper down dirty trails and onto khlong pathways until we came to a check at which the entire pack got completely lost. The trail had been set at some point before a deluge flooded the area's "roads" and turned them into dirty rivers of refuse and murky water. The pack checked left, right, backward and stopped at the edge of "forward" because of the sheer amount of water in the way. No paper in sight, no paper to be found, they doubled back and began checking again and looked about to give up. Having been on the haring end of several packs who have given up and consequently fucked up otherwise fine runs, your OnSec felt sympathetic and charged forth into the shitty river of gardyloo and finally spotted the long-awaited paper.
"Hey hey THERE'S PAPER HERE!" I declared to Alice Dair and McSwirlyface.
"Where?" asked McSwirlyface, standing twenty meters away on the other side of the mudlicious street-river.
"You can't see it from there, you lazy dipshit!" I responded.
Unsure of whether to make the commitment to get his little tootsies wet, McSwirlyface and his partner Alice Dair pranced around on the other side of the street uselessly as your OnSec plunged further through the muck and shit and waste until finding more paper.
"On On!" I yelled excitedly. "I found it! Come on you dickheads!"
With a spring in my step, I navigated trash heaps and cracked concrete shooting out of the ground and leapt down to the water-covered street, at which point I plunged six feet into a water-filled hole. My cap floating somewhere above my head and my body submerged in what I assume was either a very misplaced tinaja or an open sewer, I struggled briefly to get back out of the hole and eventually made my way out of my near-death experience, waiting to warn my two companions.
After reconnecting with the rest of the run, much of the remainder of the pack began to slowly catch up in the right direction back in the distance and we were all on paper again. Yay. On we followed the paper until we lost it yet again on the ass end of Soi 32. Unsure where it ran out, we did eventually find it again after being joined by Steve "Hey Man, How's It Going, Steve Furst" Furst and Frank and Tickler. The remaining goldbrickers joined us on the sprint to the finish where we found the majority of the pack already in, ON PAPER NO DOUBT, and the GM dressed in perfectly dry clothes surely purloined from a West African tourist.
The circle ensued after some jawjacking and a number of charges were handed out, not the least of which to the hare who was accused of setting this run as retribution for the bending over he received at the hands of the hashed ballsup committee. It was a raucous affair and eventually the hare ended up as prick of the week, downing his bone of beer in his flesh colored socks like a true Northern European before inviting everyone back to his home to provide a generous feast and soiree at which BoBo apparently bled all over everything. Somewhere in there, Single Payer Drinking was announced.
The End.
***
On Monday 29 June we had 22 Harriers, 7 Harriettes, 1 new boot and 3 visitors, total = 33. Returners included Steve Furst, Matt Ryder and Kevin McGaffey. Welcome to New Boot Noi Cornille.
